On Throwing a Bad Body Pity Party

Breakfast:  Strawberry and Grapes

Lunch:  Grilled Chicken with olives, red pepper, cucumber, spinach with a teriyaki dressing

Dinner:  chicken Kiev with steamed veggies

Exercise:  Kathryn besasted my legs yesterday so rest

Thoughts:

This past weekend was a shit nasty craptastcular weekend.  I mean if there was a crapometer, I think that it would have gone off the scale.

After the effects of the antibiotics, Mother Nature decided to drop a bomb...I mean gift on me.  Yes, the arrival of a period.  I don't get these often but when I do I bleed heavily, I become tired, cranky, moody and I bloat out to the size of a whale.  I was feeling fat and ugly.

On Sunday everything came to a head.  I went to my Personal Training session with Kathryn.  I felt emotional already and then when I had to do my clean and press while a MILF looking Barbie with the perfect body and fake tits and a forehead that didn't move was exercising next to me.

She was chatting to Kathryn saying that she was so stressed because she hasn't eaten bread for 3 days I snapped back, darling my thighs touch!!!!

I think that she looked shocked...I mean her forehead couldn't move so I think it was shock.....and she giggled.  I finished my last set and Kathryn got me on the leg press.  I did a personal best and beasted the leg press.  I did the best weight ever!!!  We then went over to do my bench press and there was Silicon enhanced Barbie.

She was at the squat rack and was finding it hard to get the clips off the barbell.  She didn't want to break her long fake talons.

This big buff guy came over and said something along the lines of hey, do you need help?

Barbie giggled and said something along the lines of oh thank you.  I don't think I would have ever figured that out.

I seethed.  I really, really, hated this skinny bitch.

Usually women like that don't bother me.  I usually just smile and laugh it off and focus on my shit but yesterday, I could have taken a dumbbell and throttled that silicon enhanced bitch!  She just really pissed me off.

I remembered what Mama said.  If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.  So I didn't say anything for the rest of the session.  I just went for it.

When I got to my car I burst into tears.  At that point I hated my body.  I hated the big fat flabby tummy, I hated the wobbly thighs.  I hated myself.  I wanted to go to my boyfriend and tell him to be with another woman because I was too fat and too ugly.

A wise person once said, you will get further by loving your body than hating it.  I usually believe that.

I have recently been admiring the fact that my shoulders and triceps are now popping through.  That my calf muscles are sculpted to perfection...that Kathryn is even in awe of my calf muscles.  I was seeing the results.  My measurements are going down.

Having the bronchitis has really fucked up my confidence and has sent me on an emotional rollercoaster of self loathing and self hating.  I basically have been throwing myself a Bad Body Image Pity Party.  It has made me carry resentment and rancour towards strangers.  It has made me an absolute miserable bitch to the people that I love.  I am acting in a way that is not like me.

I have been in a snit.  I have been under the weather.  But in defense, sometimes you need to release these insecurities.  I am a human after all.

In this blog, I know I keep saying it, you will get to see the reality, the good, the bad and the ugly of what I have had to go through.

The last few days have been ugly as hell.

I realized what a total ass I was on Sunday and I texted Kathryn:

"Hey you.  Feeling a bit better.  Yesterday was a disaster from start to finish.  Ended in tears.  so focusing on my diet today.  Will be in better form on Thursday.  sorry for being a total bitch yesterday xxx"

I got this response from her:

"I bet, you were completely out of character.  Good refocus, don't let other people or their diets/bodies.thoughts/etc get to you.  I am saying this because I struggle with the same thing, DO NOT compare yourself to anyone else, they are not you and don't have the same good/bad in their life, other people have issues too but most will only show you the best bits of themselves, or them on a good day...nobody posts pics on Facebook of themselves when they are bloated or on their period or full of cole saws etc!  I know what it's like to not be happy with how you look, but don't let that shit get in the way.  If you really want something you can get it but you need to focus.  I accept your apology!  Just be on your best behavior on Thursday and get back to the bitch that lifts and focuses on her own goals and nobody else's ok?!? xxx"

She is so right.  This is my journey, no one elses.  This is up to me to get my finger out of my ass and man the fuck up.

Yes, it is ok to have a bad self esteem day but those are the days where you need to be nice to yourself and take care of your body the most.  Those are the days where you have to give yourself a mental hug and those are the days that it's ok to cry.

But remember why you started.  Remember why you get up at stupid o clock to work out.  Remember why you say no to ice cream and yes to fruit.  Those are the days were you need to give yourself a pat on the back and to be proud what you have accomplished/

This journey is hard.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.  but I need to do this for my physical health and mental health.  It's a journey that is personal to me.  So personal and close that I am crying as I write this.

I am rambling on so I will close with this.  Fall down 7 times, get up eight.  Be strong and keep going.